MS Maze

I felt in coming on yesterday morning but hoped I was wrong. Today started off well, but soon the symptoms of an MS exacerbation became impossible to ignore. I could not fake it and I could not hide it from Jake.

Walking became labored, standing became excruciating. I couldn’t keep up. I’ve begun losing feeling in my right arm which, believe it or not, is a blessing. The pain from my bursitis/tendinitis/arthritis surgery in December has not improved yet. I’m still working hard at physical therapy, but it should be interesting to see how PT goes with the decreased feeling. Going to work this week will be difficult. Already I cannot stay awake most afternoons.

And then there’s Jake. He’s seen it before and will do what the has to in order to get us both through the storm. In his eyes I see a weary look. It is torturous to watch your loved one endure poor health and he must summon his own endurance to witness it. He has all the understanding in the world but still cannot know what it’s like in here, inside this body I no longer know or understand myself. I have his love, devotion and companionship, but here, inside this body wracked with MS, I am alone.

I will use this time to concentrate on my writing, my dreams and goals. I will use the downtime to my best advantage. I will do my best while trapped in here, but it’s lonely. I suspect it is lonely for him, too.